11th Dec 2005

Today, the 11th December of 2005, 5 days after my grandma passed away, is yet ironically and amusingly contradicting, my grandma's birthday. Attending her funeral was never easy, or at least i thought i would act easy enough, but emotions just built up and exploded.

Never know that an escalator ride would be so painful and so long. It seems forever, when i was taking the escalator in the crematorium. How i wish the ride will take forever to reach its destination, and maybe, my grandma will realise she had been joking with me for too long and is willingly to wake up before its ever too late.

Watching her little "home" for the 5 days slowly moved on the machine as it slowly brings her to cremate is yet another hurtful moment. How many people break down? I do not know... How many people bravely fight back their tears? I do not know.. I just know that I tightly hugged my mum and my sis, as they laid their weight on me, and as i watched the coffin moved further and further away from me and into the forever dimensionless world, tears fall.

I do not know its since when i had such a strong connection with my grandma. She is definitely someone i loved. Someone i will want to joke with, so that she will be happy. Someone whom i cared. But this connection and feeling can no longer be reciprocated. It will forever be one-sided; in my memory and heart.

Staying at her house for the past day was saddening. Picturing myself sleeping beside her as she chat with my mum, picturing her taking photo beside the tree during new year, her room, her smell, it seems that i can sense her presence. The memory is so vivid but now, everything is just memory.

Actually, to let a person physically disappear in this world is so easy. It really takes no longer than 3hrs to cremate, but my grandma will forever stay in our hearts, and in my heart. All the time i have spent with her this year, though not much, but is enough to keep her happy. But greedy me, wish for more. And maybe that can only be fulfil in my dreams.

婆婆，虽然我没说，但是你可知道我很在乎你？ 相信你应该懂吧。 爱你…永远…在心里…