- collect many many angbaos...
- dun eat too much ( dun wanna be fat. controlz!)
- hope that my grandma will be in pink health, ZHANG MING BAI SUI... (i love you!)
- hope that my family will always be close and loving. (no quarrels pls...)
- hope that i can be happy.. real happy.. back to my usual happy-go-lucky me
- hope that i can have real good friends... friends that i can really rely on.. stand by me no matter what
- hope that i can get better grades this sem, next sem also.. (other sems next year then wish)
- hope that i can get a BF this year.. (don't realli qiang qiu thoh)
- hope that there will be no more disaster and everyone live happily ever after
- thats all ba
hmm.. thats all for my new year stuff...
a few days ago, i think i made another friend of mine pretty sad.. with the things i feel, maybe somehow it hurts her.. i dunno.. however, thats very much like how i felt when another said something similar to mi. I thot that theres already no point for mi to keep things to myself... if there is realli a miscommunication, isn't it important for mi to say also... i dunno if i am right or wrong.. obviously, no ones want to think that she is wrong. everyone is always askin mi not to keep things to myself, and sadly.. everytime.. when i tell them how i feel, they end up blaming mi for sayin things that hurt them.. but thats the cruel fact.. thats realli how i feel.. everything is so real... until i do feel like choosing not to believe it oso... i am this super freak that likes to tao pi... maybe to be.. not talkin abt it.. is also one way of solvin it ba... afraid of the results, afraid of the outcome, afraid of the process, afraid of facing the problems, afraid of facing my own fears... yes, i am! haiz...
sadly to say... thoh there is these sort of bunch of true friends i have... but none of them realli knows mi well... actualli i don't blame anyone. not even my parents know mi.. how can i expect others to? Until now, i think the person that can closely relate to how i feel is my sis.. really glad that i can have such an alike sister.. our characters are at the same time very much alike and yet different... haha
i am already not going to say anything.. i am really goin to stay still and wait for things to come.. i rather be put in situations then to create situations.. i am no longer capable of doin so... i have no chips... i have no longer in any position to do so... not wanting to hurt myself.. yes, it is... afraid that if anything happens.. the saddest person title will come back to crown me again...
like i told one of my other friend... acting is my profession now... i can go and get some oscar award le... being ignorant of wads happening... being indifferent as what i shd have been... somehow.. pple might say that i shd not hide and let everything out... but everytime i let something out... things turn ugly... so i won't want it to happen again... but it is also my way of handling stuff ba... one sad person is better than many more sad person... if.. ever if... others are happi and the atmosphere actually can influence me to be happier... it'll be very good...
somethings if we expect more, the more we will lose... i am already not expecting... so does that equates to i will never lose anything.. however, if u dun expect, somethings jus won't come naturally isn't it.. expectations is a drive in life.. without it, we will live our life without motivations... it'll be like zombies roaming streets aimlessly.. i dun wish to be like that... but how can i not be... will "expectations" had made me fall deep and heavy so many times...
its really pretty sad for me.. the more i wanted to have more real friends and good friends, the more i lost.. somehow, i think i already can do nothing abt it... i am onli wishing for miracles... i realli wonder... why some actually will travel another mile to cherish my friendship and some actually slam it hard into my face.
seriously, i think "taking things for granted" is a seriously problem. I always think that people take mi for granted.. it is evident in sooo many areas and points... i am already dread and tired of wishin wadever i did is recognised.. somehow, pple jus like to take mi for granted... wad can i do? but to quietly think of ways to make myself more happy...
"Xin fu shi zi ji gei zi ji de"
(no one can give you happiness except yourself)
i realli hope i can achieve it... happiness! you are so far away from mi... so near yet so far... somehow, i am not fated to have u by my side
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME!
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