A miserable night of thots

Somehow, escaping from the reality has always been my strong point. My blog title should also change to another one. previous: dreamin of the uncertainty; dreamin of you. thats not very apt anymore. cos i cannot dream anymore. i mustn't..

I had a rather long jog tonight. Maybe too long din go jogging liao. Somehow, after that... my legs doesn't really feel like they belong to mine. I couldn't even walked properly. Running away from reality, yes i am.. i rather hope i really can.. but i can't.. the things are thrown right into my face.. no point to run.. no where to run either.. i can onli face it.. face my fears.. face the reality..

I din really feel like goin home then. Thus, I walked to the nearby pasem malam. Its a total mismatch with the feeling inside me. I am feeling lost with no aim and objectives anymore, lonely, restless and a little weak. I saw tonnes and tonnes of people walking in the pasem malam.. almost everyone walked in groups or even couples... almost everyone with a smile.. except me. the vibrant life in pasem malam is something that i will never have.

I walked past the cd stall. They really sell lotsa cheap cds.. 9.90 can get one le.. haiz.. I felt a sudden urge to go and get a bottle of beer and vodka. but too bad i din bring my wallet (running ma). i quietly sat down at the ampi-theatre... listening to the musics played from the cd stall far away.. all is those sad sad love song. haiz.. suit my mood maybe... was sitting there alone for a near 30 minutes.. watching how couples by couples came down and sit around.. chit-chatting, whisperin to each others ears and drink from the same coconut. haiz.. something i wished that i could do.. but not anymore.. as the time went by, couples by couples left.. and i am still sitting there all by myself.

Saw a few kids running up and down. envy of their endless strength. they can jus run up and down for a thousand times and jus for the fun of it. envy that they dun have to bother about lotsa things. they are jus so carefree.. all the kids there jus knew each other from my observation and they can jus click so well. even eventually if they are goin to quarrel, they might not have the chance... cos they jus knew each other remember. dunno who really each other is..

As i was shifting my attention to listen deeply into each sad song, I saw my keychain. the tweety bird one. its goin to fall apart. the head that is linking the body has a crack. a big one.. is this symbolizin something? I got the urge of tearing it into two. but "bu she de". however, i am afraid that i leave it hanging like this, i might in the end lose the body forever and never able to find it. A crack is still a crack. can never be perfect anymore. jus leavin its head hanging doesn't look appealing also. what shd i do?

Then i walked home again. Never thot that this walk cum running cum sittin around will last for an hour. Hope tml would be a better day.