It had been a very very restless chinese new year. Happy or not happy is already not important cause i just know that deep down inside i had not bring much attention to the event. Since the eve of new year, the pathway to my illness is being laid. From the spring cleaning (which my sis nv do anything besides facing her box of books for 5 LONG HOURS.. dunno wad the hell she is doing..) to me staying up late till the next day morning (chinese tradition "Shou Sui", which allow the virus in my body to build up and act against me..), I am now down with serious cough that causes chest pain and stomach pain, and flu which dunno why causes one of my nostril to store yellow mucus and the other white mucus. Innocent me, still went to ask my mummy, "Aye mummy, Am i half heaty half cold?"But whatever it is, luckily, my flu is recovering but my cough is still there. To me, this chinese new year on the surface seems as per normal. But deep down inside just feels that something is missing. I do not know if its my grandma. Just got this feeling that happiness would not stay for long. Though my grandma is not around this year, I still went to my grandma's house as per normal this year. As I hopped from room to room, my uncle's and my 3 other cousins' room, it seems that everything is like just there for the sake of being there.. And deep down inside, I know that one of my cousin's room is converted from my grandms's room. Its really different. It cruelly leaves no memory of my grandma as the room had been furnished with new paint, new furniture, new bedsheets and its now, a totally young gal's room. I guessed when everyone reached there, they can only see how the rooms had changed. But who will try to recall, how is it like in the past? Now that my grandma is not here anymore. It seems that everyone tried very hard not to mention her anymore so that they would not be sad. I remembered that every year, whenever i first step into the house, I will surely greet my grandma first. And now, I would have to skip the step and light up an incense stick for her and my granddad instead.I believed whatever I felt would not be as much as my aunties. As I can remember, they will normally gather in my grandma's room and chit-chat, gossip. But now, they hand around the living room, the bedroom corridor to gossip about each other's height. It seems to me that they are really trying hard to find a topic that is suitable for everyone to participate. Or maybe I am trying hard to think otherwise. Maybe everyone has learn to let go.The art of letting go is... extrememly hard. I can't imagine whos the next to go in my life...
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4 comments:
when u clench ur fist, it is only pain u feel. relax them and you will find a new meaning....
but the worse of all is.. i am clenching.. and releasing just as often.. not that i dunno that there is a need to relax and release.. but there are just too many things that makes me clench my fist..
a clenched fist hold less things than an open palm.
if everyone knows the fact that a clenched fist can hold lesser things, who will want to clench his fist.. And then again, this is not whether if i want to clench or not, as it is something that i can't control. Or if ever pain can be controlled as easily as clenching and relaxing my fist, maybe there wun be pain in the first place.
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